A passin' thought....

Ghar se masjid hai bahut door
Chalo yun kar lein
Kisi rote hue bachhe ko hansaaya jaaye..

Lines taken from Jagjit Singh's album - INSIGHT (Song "Apna Gam") Written by Nida Fazli.

A Stranger At Home [Part -2]

I wonder what it is about staying away from home that really changes a person. Is it the sheer freedom that he gets to taste, or the responsibility that comes veiled along with it. Whatever it is, it was evident that I had changed. For the better or for the worse is yet to be determined. "I really don't understand why you have to stay up for so long in the night and sleep all through the morning!!! It is not healthy for your body you know! You werent' like this when you were here! How early you used to get up and collect the flowers, and do the pooja! Now you don't even bow down properly in front of the God, or sing the prayers! What has become of you!!" the exasperated cries from my mother only bade me pull the covers all over me, and huddle up on the bed. I was able to get off the initial days on the pretext of jet-lags. But it was evident that the pretext wouldn't last for long. It is hard to convince them of the efficacy of working at nights especially when during the day time they have the annoying TV turned on.

Well, in all sincerity it is not the TV that is so much annoying as the local programs that they watch. I was more accustomed to the occassional National Geographic, Discovery, and FRIENDS on the lighter side, not to mention the animations. They found them repulsive. I was only trying to draw a compromise between these polarities. The fall of night had offered me the shoulder to lean on and do my work in peace. Am I rationalizing? I wish I knew a sincere answer to this question.

The plans of relaxing and frolicking the initial 2 weeks of my return was dashed as soon as I landed. There were responses to my job applications and a series of interviews had been lined up. How I wished that I be left in peace for sometime! Needless to say, most of them were dashed on the rocks. "You know, I really don't think you are putting in your sincere efforts on the job front" - It was now the turn of my father. "All you do is sit in the house and say that you are applying over through emails. We used to go out and look out for jobs. Why dont you visit the companies and drop your profiles everywhere?!! Am I supposed to tell you all this? I expected you to have learnt something after having gone to US for so many years! Seems like all you have learnt is junk! Your degree isn't serving any purpose! It was a waste, what with you still remaining jobless!! Why don't you atleast enquire about some courses that you can do here through which you could get a job! Huh?! All you do is sit in your room in front of your laptop and work away to glory, that I fail to see anywhere approaching!!" The seething emotions inside me took a long time to cool down. I wanted to shriek that it had hardly been a couple of weeks since I returned! I wanted a respite from all this. I decided I will get out of the house and go and drop the resumes at a few companies close by.

A Stranger At Home [Part -1]

The swift wind blowing through the window made me pull the overcoat tighter and closer around my body. I glanced outside the window of the moving vehicle, not willing to shut it down. I wanted to look at the streets, the racing view of the stores, people walking by, engrossed in my own thoughts. The mind deciphered with disinterest, the fleeting images.

"So, how does it feel to be back home?," Shashi quipped. I looked at him. He was watching me through the rear view mirror. "It feels natural chikkappa (Uncle). It's my house, I am feeling just fine." I smiled. He smiled back, "It has changed a lot. What say we stop for a cold badam milk? You haven't had proper food all through the flight journey. We can also pick up some sweets for home." I liked the offer but was apprehensive of my parents who would be waiting anxiously. After he assured that it would be quick, I readily accepted. We stopped at Mishra's Bakery. I loved their Dharwad pedas. "Let's get some of 'em." I looked at the prices and whistled. "WOW! Look at that. They sure cost dearer than when I left Bangalore or should I say Bengalooru!". We bought a few other delicacies alongwith it, gulped down the milk and Shashi went on to cough up the bucks.

"Well look at you! You have just landed back from the US of A, a Masters Graduate! Why do you worry about money, you deserve this and a lot more of treats!" he made a rather vocal observation, that made me look at him with a wide eyed, embarassingly amused look. I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks. The cashier hitherto nonchalant, instantly paused and fixed his gaze at me for a while, flashed a smile, acknowledging the words of my uncle. I reciprocated rather sheepishly and hurried towards the van. "Thanks a lot for reminding me that!," I said sharply. "Cool down! Didn't you notice how he seemed pleased with your presence in his stall?," Shashi winked at me. "What more! He didn't mind me paying him 2 Rs less than the actual price!". "Oh! What a kill Shashi.. what a kill!" I got down from the van, pulling out my luggage.

My parents were at the door, my mother with a smile on her face. "My! You haven't reduced one bit! How much pizzas and ice creams have you been stuffing yourself with!! Go and washup, I will lay the dinner." In between my father enquired about the flight, the delays and the customs. To each one his own, I thought and smiled to myself. "Your friends have been calling up since morning! They sure do keep track of your whereabouts!," said Amma. "I was wondering why you haven't yet brought up that topic!," I retorted. The luggage was instantly rummaged, the goodies disposed off, the rest divided amidst the gathered, and I hit the bed.

Jst 4 Fn!!

Oh! My revered readers I beg thee pardon for I hath refrained from providing thy honored presence with anything worthwhile to pen about. But lest, thou shalt all abandon me in grave disappointment, here I am, better being late than never, updating this haloed space, one that is glowing not by my incoherent talks, but rather by thine revered presences!!!

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Well now lets time travel to circa 2020 A.D:-

Hey buddy! Sup man? U knw hw lng 'ts been since this spc ws updtd by dum' ol' me! Say I sure hpe u guyz weren't disapntd. U knw all this talk abt. upgradng the academic wrld 2 accept the sms lingo yaar! Ain't it kewl! ;) Jst imagine sm day v cld all b jst cnvrsng like this. Who wd wanna hv all those dum' ol' grammar daa.. so boring! geez! Like that bloke in 2day's toi daa hez so kewl man! He sd it rt - coz we chat dude, n v sms 4 hrs naa.. n v wanna b soundng kewl.. so I say 2 hell with strctrs maaan.. da only strctrs 2 thnk of shld b dat of chix maccha! Gawdddd.. I sw this dame maaan.. she wz soooo haaawwwtttt!!! Well.. nw letz cm bck 2 da topic dawg! Nw jst imagine dawg hw kewl itz gonna snd 2 do off wth all da dmb ol' vwls n shrnk da wrds, 'tz gonna sv lotz of ink dawg, nt 2 mnton da papers 2 wrt on man! Bt den who knws may b v'll 've jst chattng man.. u knw like.. da prof cd jst cht on his m/c n he cd ask his Qs naa n v'd jst type out our Ans out der! No need 2 sit in da dmb brng exm halls maccha!! V r so advncd man, this is whtz being progressive abt in edn dude! Luk @ UK they've dun it da, bt. dum' ol' desis, dey 've no modernity da, they'd rthr jst stck 2 dmb ol' wayz n meanz. M kwl maccha.. if m gonna b da edn mnstr da frst thng 2 do'd b 2 pt sms lingo daa. say wanna cm, ltz go out n frk out maaan... v shld 've da drn pubs open all nite dawg.. v r strssd bg tm maccha.. v shld gt 2 rwnd! Da only kewl wy 2 rlx mst b 2 hng out in da bars n pubs n kewl dwn wid beers n drnks man! Cmn ltz go n prty!!!!

The Language of Our "Times"

After a rather long hibernation (one that wasn't without reason), its time to update this space with some more ramblings. So be cautioned that unless you are interested in something serious, do not venture further, for this ain't gonna be one fun ride this time!

ISSUE: The decision by the Karnataka Govt. to withdraw recognition to nearly 1,400 schools which have flouted the directive by the government ordering the medium of instruction in primary schools to be in the mother tongue.

The history of this problem is not new found. Infact these schools have been flourishing since 12 years inspite of blatantly violating the directives by the government. There are two facets to look into this issue. First of all is the audacity of the management of the schools which procured recognition from the Government under the pretext that they will provide the primary school instruction in Kannada, and secondly the apathy of the Governments that were in power all these years but yet turned a blind eye towards such defaulters. But these are a matter of another discussion.

Times of India that blows its horns as being a "peoples' newspaper"- what with a huge circulation, promptly scandalized the issue making it a front page material and wrote elaborately about the "harmful" decision made by the Education Minister. Not only that, they very meticulously showcased the comments of several students who complained about the injustice being meted out to them, and the importance of English in the global market, and how the decision of the government is detrimental to their futures. What was even more ridiculous was the comments by previous Education ministers who mentioned all the "awarding" actions done under them, and made it a point to mention that, had they been allowed to continue in power, how they would have helped the students. There is no need for any special mention herein as to the underlying motive behind those comments.

Things apart, the rather ironic fact is, "Times of India" that took up verbal arms mocking the decision by the Goverment while at the same time thumping upon the importance of English, has NEVER in my memory, EVER raised its voice about the deteriorating position of Kannada in Bangalore. The sheer hypocrism of this media figure was visible in the way it showcased for the cause of English. The fact that Kannada is becoming a forgotten language in Bangalore, where even kannadigas are shying away from Kannada, is a long established fact. Several years have been passed with a small group of patrons urging the locals constantly to not give up their linguistic identity. But alarmingly enough the deterioration of Kannada has only increased exponentially. Why is it that the TOI group doesn't seem to hear their cries?

The sheer commercial nature of this paper is outpouring in its sheets visibly. Can much sense by attributed to this media icon that finds even the boot-dirt of Karan Johar and Shahrukh Khan worthy of admiration? Their nauseating boot-licking policies not only leave me aghast and gaping for air, but also infuriated enough to write such hard hitting columns. The most important attribute of a mass media should be one of unbiased, detached, and analytic view of any given situation. TOI fails miserably in this scale. When it comes to glitz, glamour and oomph, it oozes out of its pages and the hollow, materialistic columns that the glossy weekend issues portray.

Coming back to the talk at hand, while it is absolutely unarguable that the children studying in these schools are being put through unwanted misery, the newspaper flaunted only the administrative mistakes while drawing curtains over the glaring deeds related to the school management's unholy activities, and the concern over the deteriorating local language. They have never failed to take out a procession on the deeds they are doing to give a cosmopolitan image to Bangalore at the cost of destroying the local culture and aura. It is apalling to realize that with such a vast readership, they are capable of meting out deadly blows to the minds of the readers and more so the younger generation.

The present generation if anything, is losing its ability to think independently. Mass hysteria of imitating foreign behaviors without distinctly understanding the societal and cultural aspects behind them is growing unhindered - thanks to the fueling works of such detrimental mediums. I am hoping for a revolution to happen in the management of the Times Group, one that would remove the scum present currently and bring the worthy to the forefront. The answer for this prayer is but hidden in the depths of time, meanwhile, I guess the bollywood actors and actresses may get a brief respite while my attention is turned towards other forms of media. What Say Thou?

Home.. At Last...

Reached Bangalore..on 14th of September in the night (instead of early morning.. thanks to bad weather.. missed flights and delayed flights...). But the thing is.. I am finally home.. will update soon.. till then.. hope you all will share my happiness! Till my further updates.. take care buddies.. and thanks a lot for all your support... mail me if u want to get in touch with me..

It's Only Words...

Today, was a feel good day. I accomplished a few things that I had been planning on from a very long time since. This made me happy, and my heart was light. At that point of time, I was rather more jovial than my usual self, and I was chatting with a friend of mine. In the swing of the moment, when you want to spread that feel goodness to everyone, and make them all a part of your enjoyment and merriment, I tried to tease him. And most unexpectedly the event turned around when he crisply reprimanded me for being too casual in my remarks and reminded me to stay within my limits. Apparently, the closeness that I felt with him, was not the same closeness he felt with me. Needless to say, I felt deeply hurt, and then I felt wronged. I felt that it was unjust on his part of have misread my words, and interpreted it in anyway other than being jovial.. and most certainly they were not meant to demean him in any way. I could not get over the anger and the frustration, and rather kept brooding on it, and the feel goodness that was there moments ago, had all suddenly vanished. I knew that I was letting negative thoughts hamper my day, but yet could not figure out how to curb it.

Later that day, while I was driving back home, the record still playing in my mind continuously... I realized something. I recited to myself the prayer of St. Francis, and one particular sentence in that which said.. to understand rather than be understood. I recited that prayer once again, and my heart felt light once more. I recognized that it was my ego that had veiled my eyes. I could not see beyond my hurt feelings. In the new found light, I realized that it is not necessary that everyone feel close to us the same way as we do towards them. Maybe it hurts our ego, but once we get over it, we grow to accept them as they are. And it really doesn't matter that everyone love us the way we love them either! That should not be the scale for giving out our love when they are in need. Maybe he had a hard day, maybe I indeed overstepped my boundaries that he had probably set for me. I may have been oblivious to that, but yet, apparently my words hurt him.

I wish there was a way I could undo it, but I can't. I have tried to understand rather than brood over being misunderstood. But yet, my words hurt someone today... it will take me sometime to get over the remorse...

In touch with humanity...

I love to stay in public places. There is something wonderful about being in airports, train stations, malls, shopping complexes and watching the multitudes of humans around us; their faces raft with expressions reflecting the myriad emotions and thoughts running amock in the cosmic field of their minds; each of them being the rulers in their own world; their own concerns; completely oblivious of their minuscule presence in a much larger ecosphere. Its an amazing show playing continuously 24/7, all 365 days, with the actors shifting stages - one in which from a different relative point of view, I too am a part of!

It is indeed an experience that I had in one such crowded railway compartment that has prompted me to write after a long sojourn. We call ourselves human isn't it? What more? We are educated humans! Well employed, comfortably settled, and able in various aspects - social, physical, financial, etc etc etc. But then, how often have we truly been "human", "educated", and "civilized"?

How many of us have extended a helping hand to a person struggling with luggages? Made a stranger in a place, comfortable? Helped a recluse person in a corner of a party, to feel at ease and mingle with everyone? Education, as such that we have obtained, has only increasingly built barriers between hearts. It has created an unjust inequality. Be it the exploitation of the same by the political parties on the pretext of empowerment of the lower castes (through reservations) or any major degree holder putting down another person with less qualification. The student community in India has finally made its voice and opinion heard regarding the reservation in educational institutions. It is time, that we all also dwelve deep inside us, and take a hard close look at the reservations we harbor in our hearts and minds - of discrimination, of callousness, of negligence, of inhumanity. One need not commit a grave crime to be called a monster. We are all monsters at some point of time. Those moments when we chose to ignore the old person trying hard to cross a street, shut our eyes to the travails of elderly travellers trying to figure their way out in airports or train stations or bus stops, ignored the frail person struggling hard to pull his luggage out of the belt, extended our cold stare to a stranger looking for a smiling face - all of these and much more are instances of our inhumanity, that somehow seems insignificant, and negligible. Are we educated? Are we truly human?

Surviving the Wild...

Errr... ahem! (Cautiously tip-toes.. looking around... hoping for some readers lurking in the corners. Not finding any.. there is a sense of strange relief and and also disappointment!) Now before you jump into the conclusion that am a refined version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, lemme assure that my polarity of emotions is just normal and am surprised you guys are not yet used to it. Ok.. so where was I?! Ahh! Now I remember!

Had been watchin' Animal Planet. They had a show about 2 cheetahs bred in captivity (their mother having been killed by a lion), which were let out in the wild to survive. It was a very moving documentary that vividly showed the bonding between the two sibling cheetahs and the human being in charge of taking care of them. The documentary captured the moments of their life very impressively - especially the ones where one of the 2 cheetahs helps its brother to overcome the fear of water, the way they learn to hunt for their food, their first kill, and so on. It was the ending that came as a surprise still - one of the two gets killed in the night by a lion. Needless to mention the other cheetah is in immense pain and terror over the loss of its sibling, and the caretaker was already in tears. What really got me thinking was what he said towards the end of the documentary. To summarize his quote, he confesses that maybe it would have been better for the life of these two animals to have just bred them in captivity for their entire life. They would have been safe and sound. But it would have stolen from them the very nature of their being, the wildness and freedom which makes cheetahs mesmerizing creatures. When I turned off the TV, the mind that was struggling hard to get myself to write something, suddenly felt at ease.

My mind is being torn apart. I have decided to come back to India, and now a lot of people are continuously calling me and convincing me (even to the point of fighting with me over it) against it. Their argument being that I don't know what would happen out there! The uncertainity of finding a job; and even if I did - whether or not it would pay me well; and even if it did - whether or not I would enjoy the work environment, so on and so forth. The recent turn of events have rather clogged my mind and drained all the ability to think clearly. How does one clear the mind under such circumstances? I am contemplating withdrawal from the civilization! Hehehehe.. now that I know is far fetched. For one, my nature itself doesn't permit me to do it. The moment of solitude that I gather here and there, are spent in silence... as they seem so precious that I do not feel like spoiling it with such dreary thoughts. Frankly speaking it is the uncertainity that is the root cause behind all this. Why is man's life so uncertain afterall? Is it so that he has a purpose to live? What would the cheetah have done if it had known that it would die if it were let out in the wild? Would it choose to live albeit in captivity and forego its nature? Or would it still choose to taste its freedom, however short lived it may have been?

What shall I choose, that would keep me dignified in my own eyes? It is my homeland that I am returning to. The wild was the homeland of the cheetah too. It also proved to be its death ground. What is in store for me? I wonder...

Musafir hoon yaaron....

Statutory warning:- Prepare for a long and monotonous soliloquy!! Don't tell me I didn't warn you!

I do owe an apology and probably an explanation for my outbreaks and absence all these days. I have debated in my mind a lot whether or not to share the details of all that had happened these days with me. To say that I have been on a roller coaster ride ever since the year has started would literally sum up the mood swings that you have all been witness to! Moments of elation and moments of despair that are so much a part of everyone's life, have been my regular visitors. Much as I have tried to keep my composure maintained during these days, I have oft broken down beyond any comprehension. Guess it doesn't hurt being human at times!

My blog has often given you all a glimpse of some portions of my life, albeit with veiled details. In our relationship as an insignificant and yet officious writer and a significant and seemingly interested reader, we have avoided a lot of specifics and going by the same trend, I will still appraise you of what has passed.

The year started with a lot of promise only to be devastated. Then came the challenge of graduating, which was not an easy path, what with an unco-operative advisor hell bent on making the situation worse each passing day. Couple that with dwindling confidence and patience and you will pretty much get an idea of how it was. And then came the promise of eventual liberation by my advisor, only to be broken at the last moment - in a bid to avenge for past issues! What that set was a whole new series of war where I had to fight for what I deserved. It did culminate in a victory, but as the days proved, the battle was not yet over. On the day of me ending the 2.5 year long journey, the residue of the past again grew momentously in size and appeared again in front of me - just when I was an inch away from my goal. At that moment the years of efforts, tears and toil that I had shed seemed worthless and ineffective infront of the towering hurdle. I was failing - in my strength, in my conviction, and belief in everything good and worthwhile. I did not want to give up till the last and then again set about mustering the strength to shake the pillars of the university - banging every door till I was heard right at the top level. This new found strength was the result of the well wishes and blessings of so many friends, admirers and companions that I find it exceedingly hard not to choke with tears recalling them all..... hitherto strangers, or acquaintances, stood up to the occassion, friends rallied behind me, and loved ones held me up in my final battle to get my coveted degree. I have now achieved it.

At the hind sight I see ruins... of myself. But out of those very ashes like a phoenix, I was reborn each time, my faith in good, and justice being upheld intact. The God, that I have trusted who held out his hand, inspite of my thousand shortcomings... yes... I have grown. There is a quote in the office of my assistant director - Growing old is a must, growing up is optional. I might even add - growing up is painful. I don't know what a pupa undergoes in metamorphosizing into a butterfly. May be it despairs too. The thing that is really scary is the change. I do know that it is exciting! But there is the fear of the unknown. In my case, I feared returning a loser. I feared empty hands that would not testify for my years of patience, and work. I feared the disappointment of my parents. Fear is not a feeling to be harbored in the mind.

I live a small life. But I know it is significant to a lot of people around me. There are moments when I have wondered.. what it is that I do? I know that I have lived a rather momentous life thus far; so many events, and happenings that has changed me a lot. But what is it that is guiding all this? What was the whole purpose of something so heavy like a mountain being placed on my back in the first place, and later on being lifted off like a feather?!! Some may say that my faith was being tested.. haven't I been tested enough? I am not complaining.. but am just wondering. Now at a very critical juncture, I stand at crossroads. While the heart wishes to return to India, the intellect advises to stay here and get some experience. It is yet another moment of change. I have made a choice - I am moving to New Jersey to join a new job. A new place, a new set of people, a new set of relationships.. maybe a new set of problems!!! Amidst all this, there is the dream - of home. A place though not devoid of problems of its own, is still mine to keep. I hope I can return soon to the familiar faces and open arms of loved ones.

The choices we make define us. Does this choice define me too? How would I be defined if I were to give up all of this, and return back home to make a fresh start? There is a part of me that is tired of this long fight... there is a part of me brazing up for a new expedition. I have often called myself an explorer.. someone who craves a lot of excitement and action and thrill.. and yet here I am, sober and hesitant. But it is time.. I have to move...

Ek raah ruk gayi.. toh aur jud gayi

main muda toh saath saath raah mud gayi

hava ke paron par mera aashiyaana.....

Sitting on a burning pyre,
A fire within the mind;
What hurts more is hard to say,
Where it hurts is hard to find.

My own ashes piling high,
My own dreams burning nigh,
Alone in my moments of pain,
Lost in ruins, losses are my only gain.

Des mere.. des mere...

A man rising in the world is not concerned with history; he is too busy making it. But a citizen with a fixed place in the community wants to acquire a glorious past just as he acquires antique furniture. By that past he is reassured of his present importance; in it he finds strength to face the dangers that lie in front of him.

Malcolm Cowley

History, I have always believed, is being made a rebuke these days. This has seemed more true in the case of my country than any other as I see it. I do not know if my vision is flawed, but I see what I see! The reason I say this is that each time a calamity strikes our nation in the form of terrorist attacks, there is a huge hue and cry, the world over condemning the attacks, and invariably references are made to the long history we have had of peace and understanding! The nation that preached universal brotherhood to the world, is now being made target of by anti-social elements! We call upon the memories of the great leaders who taught us virtues, values of peace and harmony, and through that we strive to find solace from the wounds inflicted on us, seemingly oblivious to the underlying causes, or consciously choosing to ignore it.

The bombing of the crowded trains in Bombay is such a cowardly act by the militants, that it even fails to elicit words of rebuke! Hundreds of common men are victimized for the sheer power play of the people in authoritative positions. Much like the mute spectator in R K Laxman's sketches, the common man continues to live his daily life, licking his wounds and healing himself. While the resilience of the Mumbaites is absolutely commendable.. nay laudable with supreme honors, the hackneyed measures adopted by the government is as always pedestrian.

When diseased, as important it is to find the cause of the disease and remedy, it is also equally important to understand the circumstances, the surroundings and the environment that led to the breeding of such pathologic germs! Is it human nature? Ofcourse it is. We are all militants in our own small ways! Every common man is involved in a power struggle in his own domain. What we are observing in my nation is the manifestation of the same on a large scale, because the perpetrators of it are capable of greater impact due to their authoritative powers.

Instead of calling upon our history and lamenting the deterioration of value system, and indulging in self-pity over the victimization, it is time we bear the gauntlet and "go to the mattresses". But who do we wage the war against? It is always a nice place to start from our own home. If we are attacked by the diseases, it is because we have given these disease causing agents and environment to breed within us. The first measure should be to hunt them down and eliminate them from the surrounding. It is a cleaning that is long due, the only question being, who will bell the cat?

These are the moments, when I feel the act of staying safely in a foreign nation, and analysing the situations in my motherland to be one of helpless complacency. I wish I could come back soon. It is frustrating to be caught in the obligations and commitments of one's duties towards one's family, one's culture and one's nation. What gets precedence is a matter of individual choice. As for me, I can only wish that the history that we so much gloat about would choose to repeat itself, rebringing the long lost peace, and harmony into the streets of the nation.

Vain Affairs Of An Egotistical Mind!

One of those idle evenings when your mind just does not want to exercise, well I indulge in exploring fun aspects of my personality through some dumb personality tests! So here are some of the results. So basically what I am trying to say here is, I am too bored or lazy to even think of anything consequential to write about in my blog space! So thatz that! But oh well, whatever pleases the ego!

You Are Teal Green

You are a one of a kind, original person. There's no one even close to being like you. Expressive and creative, you have a knack for making the impossible possible. While you are a bit offbeat, you don't scare people away with your quirks. Your warm personality nicely counteracts any strange habits you may have.

What Color Green Are You?

Your Heart Is Blue

Love is a doing word for you. You know it's love when you treat each other well. You are a giving lover, but you don't give too much. You expect something in return. Your flirting style: Friendly Your lucky first date: Lunch at an outdoor cafe Your dream lover: Is both generous and selfish What you bring to relationships: Loyalty

What Color Heart Do You Have?

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

Quiet Flows the River - Part 2

One day, the river suddenly met a torrential flow of water on its path! "Who are you?!" it asked in absolute bewilderment. "I am you", came the reply - swift and clear. "Me?! How can that be?! Look at you! you are so different! So clear, fresh and lively! How can you be me?" the river refused to believe. "Indeed, so it is, for an eye untrained! Look from your inner eye, and you shall see who you are", came the reply. The river closed its eyes, and looked deep within. Indeed there it was, the same torrential flow, with dazzling, lucid water, fresh and sparkling its radiance all along. "I don't understand this, how is it that if you are me, I see you as different?" the river asked. In a flash, the water merged into the river. In utter disbelief, the river watched as it started filling with cool, clear water, the filth moving off to the banks, washing away everything that hurt the river, the debris of the past, the scum of the men, everything washed away, as the water level rose within it. There was a new flow of life streaming into the river, ebbing away the distress that had bottled up inside its heart.

"Now, look! Are we different? Can you separate you from me?! Which water is you, and which part of water is me?" the voice questioned. The river looked at itself, there was no way it could tell the difference. "Where were you all these days? Why did you take so long to come to me? I have been in much pain" lamented the river. "That is not so. I was with you all the while. You had just lost sight of me. It was because you forgot that I was within you, that I had to come out of you, and appear like this", the voice assured. "Now I am back in you, and there shall I remain, with you forever and ever, with no separation." The river smiled. As the river smiled, the forest reappeared on its banks, life sprang from the earth, and the river felt its creatures returning to the womb.

"I now understand", said the river, "the growing filth thrown into me, had made me forget myself, who I am, and what I am of. You are my manifestation, and you have returned to me. You were the part of me, who I had lost long ago, and now you have come back to me. It is my nature to wash away, and in the cycle of life, there are moments when the water recedes, but only to fill up later. I saw myself in the eyes of the creatures who defiled me, and now that I see myself through your eyes, I see myself as I truly am! I am a river, and flowing is my nature."

Before long, man rushed to see the river growing in magnitude, clear and fresh as it was before! "Look! A miracle! The river has rejuvenated! It is divine indeed!" man cried! And lo! behold, he and his companions rejoiced for they felt that the river was restored to cleanse them again! The river looked at them in silent sympathy. It no longer feared man. Weary of man's hypocrism, it asked "Where is the chasm that is drawing me to itself? Do you have any idea how much longer we need to go?" "I don't! Just like the way you don't know. But does it matter? It's a long journey, and now I am here. Your companion forever, I am you. So why fear the journey, let's take our own sweet time. What say you?" the voice replied joyfully. The river smiled. It looked towards the horizon, it seemed rather near, and yet far off. "What say, we turn around that corner, and have a lil' chat with that good ol' mountain we see there far off?" the river asked. "Off we go!" came the reply.

As the creatures, the sky, the clouds, all stood in rapt attention, the waters cut across, turning at the corner, in a wild glory. The laughter and glee filled the void in the atmosphere, and yet deep within it all, there was a silent song of peace, solitude and love.

The story like this has much been told,

For it sings of the mighty, strong and bold.

Yet there is a secret, hidden in it deep!

Of a love of the self, like a dream in the sleep.

A moral it shows for the eyes untrained,

What went behind it, is a knowledge ungained.

There is a love between two that this shows,

None but the river, is all that knows.

Quiet Flows the River!

Far upon the lush green mountains with their peaks covered with snow, and their valleys bereft with flowers and meadows, a river is born. Its crystal clear waters shining in the morning sun, reflecting with equal aplomb the dazzling rays and dancing its way through the cavernous depths of the mountain, it carves its way towards a chasm that seems to draw the river to itself.

Wild with gay abandon, the river fills the forests and valleys with its playful batter echoing into the hearts of the environment. Its laughter beckoning the creatures of nature to itself, in a wild amazement! "This must be the idea of a paradise", the river thought.

It descended the mountains into the plains, still carving its way, now in puzzlement over the changing scenes. Before long came man! "Oh! Look at the crystal clear water" he said! And in that he saw his own grotesque form! He feared what the river showed, and in fear he cowered! "The river is the redeemer, it showeth to me my follies, and in it shall I forsake 'em and make myself pure" he thought! In feigned veneration, he dipped himself into the river, and cast his murk into it. The nature of the river was to wash away, and so it did. "I am redeemed of my sins, and ugliness! Now I can get as dirty as I want to, the river is here to clean me!" the man rejoiced, and before long brought others to the river. The river washed them all, hiding their filth in its depths! The river was taken for granted. Man learnt to defile the river with his filth! "It washes it all away!" he assumed. The river carried it along the flow! All along the path, men cast more murk into its darkening waters! The friends of the river, the fishes and the creatures of the water, soon abandoned it, or died within.

"It is in the nature of the river to help us!", so man thought. And in thinking so, they checked its flow, diverted its path, exploited the river. The river was choked with bewilderment, sadness and grief. "Let us trace the river to its origin!" claimed the Man. And followed its course to up the mountains! The trees of the forests were cut, the animals killed! Their bodies strewn into the flow, the river bore witness. In silence the river wept, the tears washed away by its own waters! Nature held the river a traitor, the sun shined with disgust, scorching its waters. As the river lost its water, the hidden filth of the man shown!
And the man was scared... scared that his dirt shall now be exposed! And in despair, his cunning showed! "Oh Look Hither!" he cried, "the river is filthy! There in its depths lies its own putrid filth! Oh what a swindle this turned out to be!" He refused to see his filth and attributed it to the river. "The river spreads diseases, shunned it must be! And so did no animal, or bird or man ever approach the river! Lonely and abandoned the river continued to carve its way, in desperate search for its never ending chasm.

Before long, nature smiled again, and it rained, and snowed, and the river was fresh. Along came a water fowl, the most beautiful that the river had ever seen. A very colorful fowl with rich feathers and graceful body. The river smiled at the bird, and the bird smiled back. "Would you like to dwell on me?" The river asked with delight! It felt the life returning to its waters... "Oh I'd love to!" said the water fowl. "Would you be with me, for this journey?" the river asked. "So I shall!" it replied. And they travelled long distances, till one day, another bird landed next to the water fowl. "The river hides filth in its depths!" said the bird. "Do not trust the river for its cunning and a cheat! The men were talking so" said the bird.

That night the fowl spoke to the river. "How can I trust you? You are a river! The bird is one of mine!" the fowl said to the river. The river smiled in silent grief. "Fly my dear", it said "and stay happy wherever you are". The bird flew off. Stricken with grief more severe, the river flowed in silent mourning. In silence it lamented at how ghastly and vicious it had become. "I am a monster", it thought to itself.

Hitting a Century and a Tag!!

The ball has been passed down from Disha to Manju. Manju is eyeing Praveen very intently. The crowd awaits with baited breathe! It's a turning point in this blog match, and its the clash of the titans! Manju wants to throw a yorker completely baffling the batsman, and embarassing him into accepting 6 of his most weird facts! The ball comes rolling down the air making a swishing noise.. Praveen swings the bat, and the ball is swung into the high air with one swift move! Praveen is standing still! Following the trajectory of the ball! Manju follows it intently looking forward to catching the ball and throwing Praveen out of the match, thus gaining the vantage point in this series! There goes the ball.. higher and higher.. and Oh God! What a moment! What a glorifying moment!! The ball has clearly crossed the boundary into the seatings, bouncing over 6 other peoples whose names I guess we will be disclosing shortly! Oh! What a shot! And Praveen has now hit his century!!!! A momentous day in the life of "Soliloquies in Hiding!" The 100th Post by Praveen! And that resulted by the tag of Manju!! *claps *claps *claps!! The bowler acknowledges the feat! Manju and Praveen are seen hugging (The Awwwwwwwwww moment from Karan Johan Productions! Its a Kodak moment rite there!) *hugs *hugs *hugs.. the crowd is going hysterical! More Roaring ovations! Praveen gracefully acknowledges it all!

And now coming to the details of the tag.... most of us, including me, are accused of being involved in a scam equally scandalous as that of those pesky emails that prophecize luck or wealth or happiness if we pass on the mantra, or the saying, or the quotes to a bunch of people. Even more annoying are certain emails that test our friendship by the facts of whether or not we forward the email back to the person who sent it to us!! My Oh My! What hard days friendship hath had to endure! Now that our esteemed self has been tagged by the esteemed self of Manju!I am left with no other option but to embarass myself with these idiosyncracies of me! And lemme tell you, the first person I hear sniggerin', gawking, snorting and giggling will find the vertical protrusions lining the frontal section of their mouth strategically dislocated or displaced and randomly distributed over a vast area following poission distribution. ********* A small

pause to let the idea sink into the itsy bitsy you know what of my detractors *********

Now that being said, and everyone being happy.. here goes the list!

6. I like to eat my mom made goodies by stealing it in the middle of the night, rather than take it directly from her whenever she offers.

5. I would add sugar to even sambar/rasam when no one is looking.

4. I sing and dance when no one is looking or atleast when I feel that no one is looking.

3. I always want my table set in a certain way, my clothes folded in a certain way, and am very possessive of the plate I eat in. People are absolutely welcome to share my food, but not my dinner plate at the time of dinner.. well I guess u got the hang of it!

2. I hate slurping sounds and chewing with the mouth open. And when no one is around, I try to imagine situations with people, and practice my expressions/emotions in front of the mirror!

1. I like to keep checking my fridge ever so often, even though I know its empty, in hope of a miraculous appearance of delicacies out of nowhere!

And that being said, I may also point out that.. whatz that? What did u say?! Oh No!! No sireee.. I do not want to go through any psychological testing to understand the underlying and inherent reasons behind this kindof behavior! And rather in strict compliance of the rule that when one is embarassed, he must also try to embarass the others present around him.. I would like to take this wonderful opportunity to tag the following 6 scapes!

1. Chandan

2. Velu

3. Harsha

4. Praveen Mayakar

5. Ridgeet Roy

6. Giridhar

uhahahahaha... Mogambo Khush Hua!!

Pain in the A*** !!

Its 12:15 AM in the midnite. I am trying to type the draft for my thesis report which is due by Monday morning. Apart from the excruciating task of zeroing in on the content for the same, I have to put up with the ruckus being created by the next door dudes!! Aaaargghhhh!! Can't someone plaster their mouths and sink their music systems?!!!

There is something to be said about the annoying accent of gults! Well not trying to sound an anti-linguist here.. but surely gimme a break!! Well guess what?! Lemme just put on my walkman phone and listen to some foot tappin' numbers. Hopefully by the time I am done, these pests wud've vanished magically! Better still.. turned into roaches...aaaah! there.. now that I have gotten it out of my system.. am feeling so much better.

Am I sounding cranky? OH well! take a break .. type a thesis report and am sure u'll realize it too.. and oh yeah.. have a whole bunch of chatterin' monkeys throwing their horrid accents while you are at it!

Predilections and Dogma!

Q.)What is man to do if the predilection towards doing something is set against the dogma of being someone?!

Ans)..............

Because, I cannot love but one!

The hill tops must have snow covered all over 'em isn't it? I am sure you are feeling the stinging sensation of the cold wind, as it hastens to touch your bare skin, and wither it. Do not mind the cold, darling. It is just jealous of the warmth your rosy cheeks are sporting! How could it ever know that your sweet thoughts of me, shall enfold you in warmth, making you oblivious for its onslaught!

I can see you running freely in the lush green meadows as the air playfully teases your locks, lifting them up in its arms, as if smoothing out your hair! Did you feel my touch in it? I had asked the breeze to bring me the wafting aroma of your hair. It smells fresh of the flowers that you had worn that morning. Even as I savor its elegant smell, the breeze magically transports me to your arms.

I can see the plesant shock and happiness in your eyes - of finding me in your lap. It's a gentle dream, you seem to think, and I see you closing your eyes gently. As the lashes close in, locking the image of me on ur lap, my soft kiss on your eyes seems to tell you that its real! So real, that it seems to be a perfect dream. Keeping your eyes closed, you hold me tightly, cradling me in your arms. I can feel your breathe on my neck, as I softly tighten my embrace around you. Time comes to a stand still. I think its afraid lest its movement may disturb our tranquility. Or is it that its stunned at our love? Wondering, if it is indeed so real! I don't seem to care. Me being with you is as real and at the same time as dreamy.

You rest your head on my shoulders, and together we look at the distant hills, full of greenery, a spot of snow on their tops. What's the meaning of that soft, playful smile you threw at me, as I looked into your eyes? Every look of yours seems to tell me so many things! Wonder who gave them such an elaborate vocabulary! As my lips choose to respond to your eyes, I close my eyes.

When I open them, am still in my apartment, and I know you maybe out there among the lush green hills. Hey! But I was there too! Right next to you... and I have a picture in my eyes to prove it and a soft wetness on my lips! The picture in my eyes are the ones of your feet and hands adorned! The time has again stood still dear.

Fanaa: A Mixed Bag

Fanaa - destroyed in love, another churn from the YashRaj Films. To put it all out, is highly flavored in some instances, and just bland in others! Overall what may seem to be a hurriedly packaged product, it leaves a lot to be desired in several levels! Not to mention that at points it seems a lot like a spoof of various movies! Now that being said, let us get down to our favorite point of dissecting the movie and laying things out thread bare much to the bane of the ones who are interested in knowing the destruction this movie seems to claim about.

It was Fanaa all the way for the movie. This is the last venture of the talented duo Jatin-Lalit. The story is badly "fanaa"d in between (albeit without much love), and so also was my interest. The sole saving grace of the entire movie is Kajol. Her screen presence is impeccable and she outshines Aamir, in several instances. Sadly enough Aamir Khan (much as I adore him), is showing off his aging! :( Well we shall dwell more on that front later.

The story is what forms a major bane for me! I am sure, the director could have sat for some more time on the story, and refined it. A typical Yash Raj film fare all through, replete with instances of patriotism, National Anthem strewn in, and the "oh spare me" round of Antakshari! (gimme a break dudes!!). Fortunately, not as nerve wracking as in "Kabhie Khushi Kabhie Ghum". The story is of a sweet blind girl, meets a strange "guide" boy in the streets of delhi and falls in love! Strange "guide" boy who seems a casanova, issues all the necessary statutory warnings, and yet sweet girl commits herself to him. Soon it turns out that Strange "guide" boy is actually a "bad" boy!!! Jeepers Creepers!!! And is out to destroy the sweet ol' nation by detonating a Nuclear Bomb, to wipe out the city of Delhi - nice and clean. As the darn ol' fate or the director would have it, he lands all wounded up in the door of sweet ol' girl and his "fruit of deed" kid. Sweet ol' girl who believes he'z dead, gets him back. Eventually she realizes that her prince charming is a "baddie" and spanks him fine in the end!

The cast has done a decent job all the way through. What boggles me is the high level of maturity that the kids in YashRaj films seem to have! I for one would sure like to have my kid custom made through one of these movies! Now that said, the script is wonderful in some instances, more so in the first half of the movie replete with shayaris, and taut dialogues for the main protagonists. But it is "insipid and moronic" in some instances. Especially the character of the so called Chief of Anti-Terrorist Bureau - Sushil Rawat. If anything he seems highly childish and may as well be rocking in some cradle, and sporting the girdle! Instances when he is passing taunting comments on Tabu, is just crappy and down right trifling! Grow up dude is what one may wanna say!

The absolute saving graces of the movie are - the music, the songs, and Kajol! The instances of her parting from Aamir at the train station, the moment she realizes that her love is not dead and is standing in front of her, and the way she confronts him, are gleaming examples of her acting prowess! A truly seasoned actress, Kajol ravishes on the screen with huge aplomb! Tabu is wasted in her role, which anyone would have done. Aamir is good. Rishi Kapoor easily fades off, while Kiron Kher probably does what Farida Jalal did in DDLJ (acting wise ie).

Overall, what could otherwise have been a really impressive story line, is left hung high and dry by a rather inept handling of some issues that tend to leave a bad taste after all is over. If you are a sucker, like I was to the songs of Fanaa, you may as well devastate your money over it! Then again, don't tell I didn't tell you!

Dedicated to Kishan!

After reading the recent post by Kishan. I was left thinking for sometime, basically wondering whether to write a comment right there, or else make a separate post of it. Now knowing that most of Kishan's posts really make me want to respond to in length, I decided for the latter. Well to sum up he writes about expectations and reality. Something that is often said as "Man proposes but God disposes". Now whether things are predisposed to follow a certain pattern that is ordained for a greater good is a matter steeped in obscurity. It is upto the individual perception whether to trust in it or not.

My take is, as long as one is to live this life, why not make the best of what is given. I have this beautiful poem on a frame, on the table-top. It has sustained in times of good and bad, and in response to Kishan's post, I'd like to dedicate this to him. Here it goes.

I asked for strength

And God gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom

And God gave me problems to solve.

I asked for prosperity

And God gave me brawn and brain to work.

I asked for courage

And God gave me dangers to overcome.

I asked for love

And God gave me troubled people to help.

I asked for favours

And God gave me opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted,

And everything I needed.

My prayer has been answered.

Self-affirmation and Responsibility!

Why is man in a constant need for self-affirmation? What makes him fear that his existence is lost amidst the myriad other personalities surrounding him everyday? It is this fear that makes him strive to establish his hold, not just on his relations, but also on the environment, society and eventually the entire creation. One may argue against this on grounds of intellectual curiosity, education and the quest for knowledge! But what is quest for knowledge other than a means of getting over fear? Ignorance, I feel, contrary to the popular belief, isn't bliss. It breeds fear. Self-affirmation is hence a need to get over the ignorance we have, about ourselves! Ignorance about our abilities breeds not just fear, but also its ally - doubt. When we doubt ourselves, we need others to alleviate them, and thus we depend on others. When the need is dire to turn in, we turn out!

In order for them to cater to our needs, we create a hold on them. We manipulate them in various ways - physically by brutal strength, intellectually through the means of education, and emotionally. Rogues, theives, bullys are all examples of the first kind, while the Government, Industry, Consumerism, show case the 2nd case. The last instance is more personal for each human being - while he is being manipulated, he also emotionally manipulates others through his relationship/power! On a more subtler level, as I feel is evident, all of these are dependents. The US Government, that wants to manipulate us through the means of education, convincing that the breach into our personal lives under the pretext of national security is but a thriving example of a political system, that to affirm its existence has left no stone unturned - in the domestic politics or international! What is alarming is the susceptibility of the common man! This post by Chandan is a glaring example for what I have to say! Though comic, it poses some grave questions about the responsibility of the government.

Talking of responsibilities, taking a tangent from here (which I do so often, sorry readers!), how responsible must a writer be? Creativity and Responsibility are two things that at some instances, make odd bed partners. I was exposed to this aspect, ever since a story I wrote, has been appearing in www.thatskannada.com. I have had people write to me complimenting my work, but at the same time, saying how influenced they were by it! Some even trying to share their personal matters with me, and asking for a feedback! The two faces of self-affirmation and responsibility are now staring at me. Am I responsible for their self-affirmation? Is it my responsibility to account for their fears/doubts and help them with it? Or can I just brush them off? What if I take refuge in my creativity, and not be accountable for my work! Write, whatever I feel like, about whatever I feel like, and just throw it out to the masses! It's upto them to pick it up, or leave it there! They can do whatever they wish with it! Either get influenced by it, or laugh at it! Whether I can remain aloof of their involvement depends on my need for self-affirmation as an author! Am I using my work to manipulate the readers, and thus prove to myself my existentialism as an author?

As of now, I have only questions...... anyone with answers?

Predictability and Boredom

Long absence! A gradual side lining of the urge to write? I dunno! As a friend of mine so well described, its the tussell of the mind and the spirit (buddhi mattu manassu). Or as calvin would say it "The Mind is willing but the body refuses!". Whatever the case maybe, this long absence, lemme assure you, wasn't without reason! Several thoughts have bombarded me in the meanwhile, and they are all cached up in the mind, for idle brooding during those long hours of solitude.

When I sat down to write something about "Predictability and Boredom", I had a plethora of ideas, and opinions to share. But suddenly, the drive to write seems to have seeped off! I can't decide what it is that is diminishing? The urge to write? Or the urge to share? I have realized a glaring problem I have with my attitude! It's too free flowing! Or must I say indisciplined? It is hard for me to be rooted! Probably that is the reason I love the water and wind so much! They are so dynamic! Hard to be bound! I like my interests to be free, and not turned into bindings! I'd like to write, when I feel like it, not because I have to! I'd like to draw, when I feel like it, not because I have to! I have begun to avert routine! Which in a way brings me to the topic, "Predictability and Boredom"! Routine makes things predictable! It is, in a way discipline. But how is one to be disciplined, without falling prey to boredom?

The reason, I have started to refrain from writing is also partly because, my writing seems to be more and more predictable, to me! There were certain days, earlier, when I wrote in a trance! Much as if, it wasn't me who was writing, but someone else! And at the end of it all, when I went over what I had written, it would baffle me! Now, somehow, after all these years, it doesn't! That is what I meant when I said, I am becoming predictable! So am I getting bored of my own writings? In a way, YES!

I contemplated closing this blog! Or exploring newer avenues! But the creative surge is not what it used to be! Sometimes, I fear, my creativity may become predictable, and I may get bored of it too! I remember reading in "Illusions" -In order to live free and happy, one must sacrifice boredom. It is not an easy sacrifice". I guess, I am realizing the meaning of it. What is it with being creative that makes it both a curse and a boon to the person? Why is it that one can't be satisfied in being like everyone else?! Why is it that one feels this urge to be different, from others, and takes it so strongly, that one day, he realizes that he just wants to be different than himself! Is there an end to this struggle? Is discipline the only answer? My mind feels like a young child, refusing to take its medicine for reason that its bitter! It sees the need to be healthy, but seeks for a sweeter solution! Coming to think of it, maybe it wouldn't even mind being so, for all the attention it can garner! Is that what this is all about? I am clueless!

A few days ago, I had written about the tussell in my mind about the spirituality, about how I am getting bored of ritualistic worships! I can see the effect percolating slowly to all walks of life! Work, hobbies, interests, ... it is encompassing all aspects of my life! I haven't been able to complete a book I started, call up and catch on old friends, reply to those long awaiting emails, or update the blogs!! Maybe one fine day, I will get bored of being bored! Human mind is so tricky! We feel we have studied it - known its intricate makeup, the sectors, the parts, the anatomy of it all! And before long, it baffles us, by playing a trick. We look at ourselves in the mirror, and wonder when we turned out to be so different!

I really don't know how to end this! Probably because, I am yet to find an ending to this matter! So for once, I am not going to conclude this. It is a question I am yet to find an answer to, like so many others in my mind! But right now, this has come forefront. Is there a solution at all? I wonder.....

The End Of An Epic Figure!

It is a rude way to wake up in the morning, and learn the first thing that someone who was a part of your life, is no more. It isn't a new news at this hour! I am sure, the kannadigas world wide, are already aware that Dr. Rajkumar, so lovingly addressed as "aNNAvru" is no more. He passed away on the 12th of April, around 2:15 PM IST.

Glowing tributes have been written, his accomplishments have been listed, praised, and his death has been described as a void, that will never be filled. It is all of that, and so much more that its impossible to be bounded within the realms of vocabulary. Am I being over-emotional? I do not want to judge my feelings for him. They are what they are! Over or under!

To say that I grew up with Dr. Rajkumar isn't an exaggeration. I do not remember the first movie of Dr. Rajkumar that I saw. But I do remember that ever since I was a kid, I would look forward for his movies. When I'd stand to pose for a camera, inevitably, my posture would be one of his, elegantly lifted off of the posters, that I'd stare at in awe! I remember how eagerly I'd await the return of my father from his work on Fridays, when the movies would be released, and I knew for sure, that he would have the tickets for Dr. Raj's movies at Navrang Theatre, in Rajajinagar. I'd then gloat in front of my friends from the neighborhood of how, we are going to see his movie that very evening! And what would follow after that, was a meeting of all my friends, on the terrace of my house. I'd relate the story, enact it at some points, say the key dialogues with equal fervour... my heart filled with a sense of pride! I am emulating Dr. Rajkumar's acting!

I remember the multitude of songs I learnt by heart, to beat my brother! We would compete with eachother, in by hearting as many songs of his as possible, in collecting as many stickers of Dr. Rajkumar, in learning his dialogues, as to who was a greater fan of him! That is how integrated my childhood was with his persona. His demise, brings back all those memories and they are dear to me. He was a part of that dearness.

I remember my eyes wide open in awe, watching him in the royal roles of Kings long gone, of whose wonders we cud only read in books! I remember my eyes wet with tears, looking at his laments as Bhakta Kumbaara! I remember these very eyes looking up in admiration for his roles as the brave police officer, the do gooder, the farmer, the innocent young boy, the give-all, the altruist, the lover, the revolutionary!

How can I forget the dynamic dialogues of his that won me the first place in mono-acting- "naanu yaaru? kashyapa brahmana maga...chaturmuKa brahmana mommaga. hari hara brahmaadigaLE aDDa baMdarU naDugisuva, graha taaregaLE dikkApAlaagi ODuvante maaDuva, indra, varuNa, vaayu, agnigaLannE nanna dAsarannAgisikoMDiruva I hiraNya kaShyapuvina vaMSadalli huTTida ee kunni, nannedurigE nanna vairiyaada aa hariyannu smaraNe maaDuvaShTu uddhaTatanavE!!!!".

Having come so far off from my home, my state, and staying in a foreign nation, when the heart yearns for some memories of the past, I watch his movies. My mind runs back to the streets of Rajajinagar and the terrace of our house. I shall continue to do so, but there shall be a difference. A haunting thought, that a person who in his own special way, was a part of my childhood, is now not present physically. I know the tunes of the jazz that go, he will always be present in his work.. and blah blah blah blah.. but its a fact that things won't be the same. There are very few dignitaries whose death as I lived, really shook me personally - Mother Theresa, Smt. M S Subbulakshmi, and now it is Dr. Rajkumar.

Can words eulogize his death? I do not want to do that! I will miss him, I know that. So shall millions of his fans world wide. All said and done, he was an epic in himself, so humble, and so earthly, that sometimes, I would wonder, if it is at all possible for a star to have his foot on the earth as he did! It was all just so surreal! It was a wonder, a puzzle! I get carried away so much with even miniscule of my achievements, and yet, this person, remained so rooted to his identity as a simple human being! I guess thatz the aspect of his, that I shall remember forever. Bless his soul! I am gonna miss you aNNAvre.

Why Soliloquies in Hiding?

I'd like to start writing this, as if I am continuing something that I have been telling you from quite sometime! Or seemingly, perhaps, I was in the middle of the conversation, and you joined in!

.....yeah, it had been a long while, since I wrote something in here. Yep, that's right, I did put something up occassionally, but I am sure, it could be made out easily, that it was done in an absolutely detached manner! Writer's Block? Perhaps so. Well, there was no dearth of thoughts though! The mind went racing through taverns and valleys, scaling heights, and flying wild. That probably could be the reason too! For me to sit and write, the mind needs to be still and talk. While it did talk, as I said, it went on racing! Is my mind still now? Well, it is something I will realize when I'd have completed writing this. Right now, it is humming a song!

There is something that has to be said about the privacy of these thoughts! The security of the enclosure of the mind, is the most valuable for a human. For he knows not, what awaits for him, if his thoughts would rush out of his brain through his mouth/pen, and be known to the whole wide world! It may bring him bouquets, brickbats, and sometimes, even bullets! It is this uncertainity that warrants the secrecy of the thoughts. There is one other aspect - morals! Some may call it an offshoot of the former, but I'd like to see it as a separate reason in itself. For how many thoughts, that crop up in our minds are worthy of sharing, morally? Thoughts, soliloquies, musings, are all aspects of a darker side of human mind. Darker, not because of its nature, but because it is hidden! I sought this hiding, to escape from being called a "weirdo", a "nerd". Sharing thoughts in open, made me an outcast, and different from the rest! One wasn't expected to think on lines, other than that of the rest! And yet, I did.

This is much like my secret getaway, a fantasy, the neverfoundland of the yore! Here I, forever, am young! My thoughts and soliloquies, may elicit responses from foes, friends, and people whom I have never seen, or would never see. Then there are majority of those, who just read this blog, as something to while their times off, at the end of the day! But that is OK now. I no longer despise being different from the rest! I revel in my uniqueness, and weirdness! This haven is mine to rule!

I fell asleep in the middle of writing this all up, and now, having got up in the morning, the train of thoughts seems to have come to the station, after unloading all its passengers! Yes! It now stands still, like the stillness of the night. There is dawn breaking through the clouds, and I can hear the winds bellowing outside of my window. Before long, this part of the world would've woken up, and another part will go to rest. And my mind shall again begin the rigmaroles of its existence - boarding incoherent thoughts that, as the journey continues, somehow begin to make sense. And at times, when it comes to a stop, I shall visit my hiding.

In the Passing....

Garfield was created by Jim Davis.
Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Patterson.
Thank you both guyz... things wouldn't be the same for me without Garfy and C & H. :)

"Born Into Brothels" - Of Hopes and Dreams!

Khud ko kar buland itna
Ke har tadbeer se pehle
Khuda bande se pooche
Bata teri razaa kya hai

It's been about 10 mins past since I turned off the DVD Player. Had been watching a documentary movie - "Born into Brothels - Calcutta's Red Light Kids". Let me give you all the introductory information regarding this movie. It won the Oscar Awards for best documentary in the year 2005, apart from 12 other awards in various prestigious ceremonies all over the world. This movie is directed by Zana Briski and Ross Kauffman. The movie is about the life of the children of prostitutes in Sonagachi - the Red Light area in Calcutta.

There are a set of people who usually object to such movies on the grounds that the Western movie makers seem to be only interested in showcasing the rotting and debilitating aspects of India, rather than show her development and progress on the World Frontier. This aspect is something that I do not even consider worth dealing with in this post at this time. So if there is any wish of bringing that up here, you are welcome to close the browser!

The documentary starts with the director coming to the brothel as a teacher of photography, and handing each kid a camera, and showing them how to shoot photographs. What unveils next is a gentle bonding between the director and a group of children, that takes the viewers to the most sensitive details of their lives! The director's fight with the local system, families of the children, and the government to get the children a better life, by getting them admitted to a boarding school, even exhibiting their photographs in an exhibition abroad, and giving an opportunity for a kid in the brothel to travel abroad, the eventualities of the children in the end, is what the movie is all about in terms of the story. The effect is verbally immeasurable!

There are a genre of movies that portray vividly the disdain experienced by the downtrodden in all its stark nakedness that makes one steal views, or turn heads! But this movie unlike them, does not leave you with a pain in the heart. It leaves you with hope, and dream, like that of those children - a better tomorrow, a better life! Shanti, Avijit, Suchitra, Manik, Tapasi, Pooja, Kochi, these are children who for some reason go through the travails of abuse every day! There is a moment when the kids are tested for being HIV +ve, when the heart stands still! The dread of becoming one "with the line", is starkly visible in the eyes of the kids! And yet when one hears them sing joyfully on their way to the zoo, see them playing with wanton abandon in the waters of the beach, invariably the lips trace a curve. Such is the magic of their spirits, that fights undaunted, the hypocrism and abuse of the so called developed society!

This movie is a must watch. The subject is reason enough. If one is in the habit of cribbing, complaining, and exhaling mounds of long drawn sighs at the unjust life, take a break, and watch this movie. It's a shame, we lack their spirits! The best thing? They give us a part of their own! Adios!

Dear Mr. Salif Rasaki...

From the laptop of,
KYOUOWNWOH OUAGADOUGOU
My Apartment, Landlord's building Complex,
Boring City, Equally Boring State,
Whachamacallit Country.

NOTE:- The contents of this mail is absolutely public and highly non-consequential, and is absolutely aimed at digressing all limits of rationality and decency. It is aimed at ridiculing you and your institution, and any resemblance between you and an African chimpanzee drawn is absolutely intentional and well-deserved.

Dear Mr. Salif Rasaki,

Sub:- Regarding the transfer of 2 million dollars to my account!

I am absolutely dumbfounded, astonished, and shocked! No! It has nothing to do with Miss Neha Kapur winning the Miss India pageant! It is because of the fact that you were able to find me out inspite of me being undercover! Yes! And now I am going to make it public that I am not who you think I am! I indeed am the kith of the royal family of OUAGADOUGOU! I infact am the next prince to rule the land where ur Bank of Efrican is located! And because I with my genuine power of foresight (bestowed to me by dear ol' Baba Bhaijaan, about whom I will write later) had realized that a military coup will result in the destruction of my entire family, and so I escaped in the middle of the night ala our Bollywood movies amidst thunders and torrential rains, and after crossing saat samundar changed my identity and my looks (well u know.. color and all that). But you still found me out! The FBI and CIA gotto learn something off of you!

Neeeeewaaayssss.. so as my esteemed self had predicted, the military coup was a success and you have written that all of my family alongwith with my relatives were killed while trying to escape in a plane! Oh! Woebegone on the Kenyan Airlines! I always knew they couldn't be trusted! That was the reason I walked all the way!

Oh Well! So I believe that you were spared by the military coup! Well, good for u! What was that? You had to dress like a female gorilla and hide in the jungles? Awwwww... what!! eeks! that must've been painful! I bet the male gorilla had no idea! Well .. well.. now now.. comeon no hard feelings Mr. Rasaki! Well its the order of the nature! Males.. females.. u know how it goes.. don't you?!

Whatz that? Oh ok.. coming back to the point! So my father had deposited 20 million USD in your esteemed bank. Eh? And now you have been so generous enough to have found me out, and want to give it back to me! Well, I know, that if I come over there as Prince OUAGADOUGOU, the coup may try to assassinate me too! And so, you have devised this ingenious plan (how very wily and clever of you my dear Rasaki! Oh! How rude of me to have compared u to a chimp! I am sorry .. chimp!) well.. so, you want me to give you my details as the long lost relative of the royal family now residing in this whachamacallit nation, but never really show up! Oh! How convenient!! All u need is my account number, with the routing number for the bank and the personal phone number and address. Isn't it? Well, u already have my address at the start of this mail, so thatz settled! Now you wanna keep 60% of our bank balance with yourself, and then u want to visit me with your wife, and children, and at that time u will discreetly, and under utmost secrecy and protection, transfer the all of the amount to me in hard green, USD!!! For the love of chimpanzees! Hold me.. nay pray support me, lest I shalt faint in utter surprise and merriment!

[Playing in the background "mujhe mil jo jaaye thoda paisa.. thoda paisa.." and "Money money money.. must be funny for the African bankers... "(with due apologies to ABBA)] Now herez what I am going to do Mr. Salif Rasaki, I do not quite trust the security of these emails and so have deviced an equally ingenious plan as yours. I shall encode my personal details in a blog, and write it out, and embed in it, using complicated extrapolated algorithm of random number generation, the place for our secret meeting! You will, I am sure, realize that it is the secret forest next to the palace of OUAGADOUGOU family! Now you wear your female gorilla costume and make sure that u are there at the right time, to receive my account number and bank routing number, which I shall embed in a male gorrilla! How is it gonna give u those details, you ask Mr. Rasaki?! Now, now. comeon.. u know.. the male.. female.. nature thing! What say you? Eagerly waiting to receive those 2 million dollars!

Yours absolutely wasted,

KYOUOWNWOH OUAGADOUGOU!

Midnite Musings...

It is the middle of the nite, 2 : 14 AM.. and am sleepless in Wichita! The fact of the matter is that I slept early, and woke up in the middle of the night, and realized that I was thinking of someone! How often does this happen? The feeling of missing someone so close, its so intense, I can hardly breathe!

I turned 26 on 19th of March! Several wishes, several greetings, parties, treats, gifts, and all that jazz! I got up and looked at all of 'em once again. So many relationships.. some old.. some new! Friends since my school and pre school days... friends just a few months old.. relatives, family.. wishes from everyone! A few so special, that they made me feel so blessed for being me! I feel blessed for having them in my life!

It was supposed to be spring in Wichita! Surprisingly enough, its freezing outside! Rained continuously for 2 days, and even snowed heavily in parts of Kansas! The weather too seems to be revolting against man! Giving warning signs of his over exploitation. The heart thinks otherwise! Did someone send forth this coldness?

Sunday, I returned to RJing after a sojourn for almost 6 months. Not many of my readers here may know that I am also an RJ. The return was indeed welcomed, and got really good responses too! There is something to be said of human connection! It's just a voice, of a person many haven't even seen, or have no idea of! And yet, it somehow touches you! The feedbacks were heartening!

Got a whole lot of work coming up in the next couple of weeks. A couple of important things of my life will be decided in the forthcoming weeks! Am I tense?Strangely, I have no idea of it! Is it that I have become numb to such feelings?

I just wish.. that my mind would stop thinking for a moment, and be still. I guess I'll try to lull it to sleep somehow...

Academi(y)c Blunder!

The 78th Academy Awards were given out on the 6th of March, evening at the Kodak theatre in Hollywood. The highlights of the award ceremony were obviously the regal selection of movies - some of which were never a hit in the box office list. This went to assure us movie fans that Oscar Awards did not after all get ruled by the numbers and fame! Or did I speak too soon? Well, there were a couple of surprises in stack, after all habits are hard to get over. Isn't it?

When the nominations were announced, the fact that Brokeback Mountain was selected under 8 categories (the highest in the list this time) came as a welcome breeze! Hollywood seemed to have finally stepped out of the oblivion in encompassing issues of Social concern, which even drove the political campaign in the United States. Not just this movie, but the others selected under the best movie category too showcased the same! But hardly a few were as hard hitting as the former. I'd say that Crash would follow Brokeback Mountain. The theme dealt in the movie Crash, was equally sensitive, and very novel. The 2 days that seemed to bring different people (from different cultures) and different issues altogether, leaving a lasting impression on the minds of the characters (and also the viewers) and changing them forever, is a theme that very few films can do justice to! And in this venture, CRASH wasn't a debacle at all. No sireee.. on the contrary, it nailed the issue to the point, right on the head, and drove it straight where it had to be driven! Yet, at the end of the day, the story that showcases the hypocritic attitude of the society towards the 'queer' community is one, that makes us stand still. Typically the academy had been following the tradition of awarding the best director, and the best movie to the same Film (except the past couple of years). When Ang Lee won the award, I was all set to watch Brokeback walk away with the best movie award too. Am I disappointed that Crash got it? I woudn't say so. But yeah, Brokeback Mountain deserved it.

The awards in the category of best animations, was yet another surprise! Tim Burton's "The Corpse Bride" was several times enjoyable than "Wallace and Gromit...". The former was, if I may say, more sassy, classy, witty, and definitely pleasant! I did have high expectations on the "Howl's Moving Castle" till I watched the movie. For those of us who expected another "Spirited Away" or something better, this movie was indeed a let down of the size of King Kong. The best make-up award being given to the team of "Chronicles of Narnia" was yeddanoder surprise, what with the contender being "Star Wars-III Revenge of the Sith". And forgive me for sounding archaic, "In the deep"(Crash) was a much better score than "Its hard out here for a Pimp"(Hustle & Flow). The couple of movies that I felt richly deserved the awards they won, were ofcourse "King Kong" and "Memoirs of a Geisha".

Finally, yet another annual event of great expectation is over, and another series of movies shall be screened in hope of winning the big 'O'. Hopefully if the last year was any hint of what is coming forth, we may see Hollywood churning out movies that are more meaningful and bearing more impact. If it may seem like the Academy Awards is making up for the negligence is showed earlier, then better late than never!

As a passing thought, whatever made India send the repulsive "Paheli" to the Oscars while there was the mesmerizing "Black"?!! Guess some things are just universal!

Books to change your life!

This blog has tried to feed varied tastes, and more so tried to showcase the varied interests that I share in my life! But I realized that I still haven't given the stage to one of my most passionate interest - Books. I do not boast of being an ardent reader who devours every best seller, but I can still humbly talk of a refined taste in terms of books. The reason I treasure them so, is probably because they were the sole companions I hung on to during my periods of introvertness, and even during the period of extrovertness! I run to them in moments of solitude, and in moments of celebrations! They were privy to my fears, my flaws, and my feasts! They have seen me grow and mature, and what more! They have been a part of it!

In the first account in this blog on books, I would like to write about 2 of my most precious books, that I have in my possession. These books have been my light, my guide and my inspiration in moments of darkness, doubt, & despair. Both of these books have been authored by an eminent and renowned writer - Richard Bach.

Jonathan Livingston Seagull : The story of a seagull who flew only for the thrill of flight! The story of a being who craved to be different from others, and suffered for being so! The beginning of a journey in the path of love! This book which is slightly more than a 100 pages, with half of the pages carrying images of sea gulls, nevertheless is an ocean with waves of inspiration to flood one's being with! I am yet to find a person who woudn't recognize one self with the sea gull, or grow to admire it! It is a story close to our heart and talks of our struggle. It assures us of an happy ending - something which sometimes, we aren't so sure of. These are the kind of books that leave a mark on us, an indelible one at that. However small it may be, the mark shall grow - under the right support and environment, only on the longer run to bear the fruit of happiness and contentment.

Illusions : The book above started a journey in the path of love, while Illusions takes us into the realms of self-realization. Unless we understand ourselves, and love ourselves for being what we are, we shall never grow to love others. We need to be our saviors - our Messiahs, in order for us to heal others and more importantly ourselves! It's all an Illusion! The World is an Illusion! The pains, sufferings, horrors we see, everything is an illusion as also the beauty! So whatz the one thing that is real? It's the truth! A Truth that never changes! The story of how a barn stormer's life is changed by his 'chance' meeting with a messiah turned barnstormer is what this book is all about. It is tough to understand the essence of the book in a single reading! What more? Read the book over and over again in different contexts, at different junctures of life, and it makes different sense each time! It is the ending of the book that still startles me to this day!

Both the books are filled with quotes that seem to make a difference into our everyday lives. These are normal things stated so profoundly under such unique circumstances, that the characters that say it stand out of the book in front of your eyes, and look directly into you and speak to you. The words hit like bolts of thunder and shake your beliefs! Sometimes, it seemed as if someone rudely threw me off of the bed in my deep slumber and brutally woke me up by shaking the hell outta me! We all tend to be comfortably settled down in what we think is our limitations, our beliefs of what we can do and what we can't! We accept them, and make them a part of us! These are the books that convince you that we are 'limitless... children of the Is... playful spriritual beings ...'. The author writes in Illusions -

"Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they are yours"!!

"In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice".

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly".

Some of these will not hit right into us in the first reading. And I feel they must not too. I revel in digging into the essence. And both of these books however simple they may sound, are profound in every sense! Get these books if you want a treasure house for a lifetime!