Divine Conflicts!

Before the phantom of False morning died,

Methought a Voice within the Tavern cried,

"When all the Temple is prepared within,

Why nods the drowsy Worshipper outside?"

- English Translation from Rubaiyat (by Omar Khayyam)

Past few weeks have been time and again spent in the contemplations of customs, traditions, the aspects of prayers, worships and God - altogether. I have not been worshipping or offering my daily prayers like I have to - as directed by the caste system. I have tried to involve in other activities that has to a certain extent gained precedence over my routine worship. Honestly, it disturbed me. It was a tug of war between the ethical directions and the mind. It led to a lot of introspection, thoughts, queries and answers!

I happened to read Bertrand Russell's "A Free Man's Worship" - it posed the same questions as in my mind. Was it helpful? I guess so. There are things I have come to realize, but to convince myself of them, is turning out to be a difficult proposition than what I thought! They make sense logically, ethically, and even in the precincts of religiousness.

These days my mind vehemently opposes to subject itself to the drudgery of routineness! The boredom is repulsive! And I have been trying to experiment with varied facets to overcome this. The daily prayers, worships are methods of achieving inner discipline, peace of mind, and tranquility. When methods turn to habits, I guess that is when they start becoming bland! The guilt that is accompanied by such feelings in no way helps, and the situation only got worse. I finally accepted the fact that I for one, am bored of the rituals. Am I being defiant? I think not. I do not find them meaningless. I respect them even to this day. But I am bored of them! This holds true even to the daily attributes. The mind craves variety - variety of people, variety of thoughts, variety of challenges! Am I giving to my senses? Or am I losing my discipline? I felt I was being agnostic! That my mind was clouded by my doubts and I gave them a lot of precedence. I had to stand clear and think! And for this, I had to accept. I accepted that I wanted to explore newer ways of enriching my daily life. To add a new dimension to the mundane activities and thus realize an entire different level of well being. I do not feel I am being anti-religious, or dubious of my religious principles. Perhaps, it is a hint to myself.

One thing is for sure, I will have a tough time in keeping a job! Unless I find ways of making it exciting, and learning new stuffs, I am sure, I will be skipping the jobs like a mad bunny! Heck! I may totally stop working, and rush out to meet life head on! Maybe be an explorer! Come to think of it. Isn't that what I am doing right now too? Life again seems so exciting and wonderful! Three cheers to that!!