You've Got Mail!

I watched this movie probably when I was in my Engineering! When Tom Hanks is paired with Meg Ryan, I can be sure of one thing - not to bother about the story! It will be awesome! This movie, was more than awesome, it was SPLENDID with all caps ;) .
From the opening score that crooned.. "Dreams are nothing but the wishes and a wish is just a dream.. wished to come true... " to the final scene where Brinkley tugs on Tom's blazer, the movie was adorable in every sense!
The playful zest of Meg Ryan, the funny and witty Tom Hanks.. wonderful script and a taut editing that never leaves the storyline hanging at any point! Ah! It's a movie to relish. And I did relish it too.. have lost count of how many times I have watched it.
Isn't internet a fascinating thing?! Billions of people all over the world, connected to eachother, oblivious from one another, yet somehow affecting our lives in some minute way.... responding to our feelings and emotions, identifying themselves in us, somehow everyone becomes so close when we realize this! The thing that fascinates me the most is the mystery that surrounds this whole business of internet communication ala email, chat, etc. The persons we meet, converse, mail, seem to become a part of us without either one of us ever meeting eachother in person! Is it good or is it not?! I don't wanna answer that question, and it isn't my purpose here too! All I wanna do is.. share the excitement one feels when someone emails us... a someone... who we feel isn't someone!

"I'll say goodbye
to all my sorrows and tomorrow
I'll be on my way...
I guess the Lord Must be in New York City..... "

Trees For Life!

After ages, today I will be going back to Trees For Life! A moment of nostalgia! I remember the time I had fallen sick seriously and after recovering, decided to get into community service, for reasons known to only me!

Anyways, I am glad that I came in touch with this organization. My work was related to helping them with their multi-media learning software for poor children all over the world. I worked on the hindi and kannada versions of the software, making animations, and building stories for children!

Funny enough, it was I who learned a lot more, than what I had to give! The selfless nature of the people over there, the contentment they seem to radiate in their whole being! The happiness they spread... the huge bear hug I always received by David! It healed me of many pains - physical and mental! There is one belief they always nurture, David keeps telling it again and again... "This place is a heaven. And whosoever enters through the front door, is an angel!" Today the time has come to rejoin the divinity! It is so true, Balbir's work has indeed shown happiness to thousands of families across the world! Their concern and love for mankind is a unique one, in that, it is not just words, but actions, silent actions like high frequence sound, that mere mortals like us, caught up in the mundane affairs, never will be able to hear! To hear it, one needs to be elevated on the platform of life! One needs to be human in true sense of the word. It is time to again get connected with it.. and I am happy, very happy!

Snubby!

Snubby is the name of my Pet dog - a cross bred Pomerian. My parents presented him to me for my 13th B'day! I remember the day he was brought.. hehehehe.. my father brought him in a basket!! The first thing he did as soon as he came to the house was to poop in the front yard! Had a tough time maintaining him during the younger days but the things did ease off as he grew. It was as if we had a younger brother! Sounds funny? I dunno, maybe thatz how it is with dogs(for a starter I hated to call him a dog)! He was white all over, except for his brown ears and black eyes! Over a very short period of time, I got extremely attached to Snubby. So much so that, I wouldn't go out with my parents for fear that Snubby would be upset! And it was so indeed!!!
One day, we all went to a movie, and we hadn't even turned at the road end, and Snubby started crying at the top of his voice! Believe it or not, I just cudn't go any further, I asked my parents and brother to carry on, and ran back to this kid of mine!!! The most funny aspect was related to bathing Snubby! Surprisingly enough he wouldn't let anyone bathe him other than me. I used to bathe him in the backyard! He used to stand posing like a king, while I, like an attendant would wash him all over *deep sighs*. Much as he would make me mad with his small tantrums, there were moments when he would make me cry! His health would suddenly deteriorate, and he would stop eating. Boy! that would make me so tense!!
There have been so many moments of happiness and desperation that I shared with my Snubby. Once, I got my visa to leave to America, I used to tease him a lot, saying that there won't be any attendants to bathe him! He was always ahead of me anyhow... Snubby, passed away suddenly just 2 days before I left to USA.

The Big Old Blue!!

I don't know whether it is because of the fact that I have the Piscean traits, or that I was always near some huge water source eversince childhood, Oceans, Rivers, and large lakes seem to fascinate me, almost as does the vast expanse of sky! One thing that is common between the two, its the color Blue!!
I have always looked the the vast expanse of water and marvelled at it! There is something strangely magnetic and wonderful about the fact that such a huge amount of water could accumulate in one place, and did not leave the perimeter again! (Well almost...)
The crystal clear blue expanse, the waves endlessly splashing on the banks, the sand on the sea shores, small conch shells, sea shells, and above all the deep murmur of the vast sea carried over to us by the swift wind, as if the waters are whispering to us the secrets of the past that it has been witness to, with a child like zealousness.
Indeed the oceans have been witness to the beginning of life forms, civilizations, wars, growth and development, and destruction too (sometimes they themselves being the cause!). To this day, I just have to close my eyes and my mind loses itself on the ocean, swiftly carried off by its currents to lands never seen by human eyes!
The Sun rise and Sun set - two of the celestial events that the sea/ocean has a role in! Words fail to describe the beauty abundant in these phenomenon!
All said and done, in the end, all the mind craves for is the same banks to walk upon, the same whispers echoing in my ears... endlessly sharing its many secrets... my dearest friend... my Big Old Blue!

Language-A bridge across forever?!!

There is a never ending feud that is happening in the forum. The eternal battle between languages. Kannada is my mother tongue, and so is special to me. But does that warrant one to hate other languages. There are a lot of issues plaguing the state of Karnataka today. The issue of language is one such. Yes! The language is a part of the identity of the state and most certainly must be preserved. But do we need to fight other languages for this? Whatever has brought the situation to this level, when language which was supposed to be a medium for communication, is now more a tool of increasing hatred among the people!

To what end is this supposed to lead us, I am clueless. There are a lot of questions in my mind right now. How can I build my language along with others, and not on the debris piled up by destroying them?! I have taken a break from the forum, in order to think and brood over the matter. I want to come up with a concrete plan and work on it, in my own way. I want to reconstruct the bridge for the purpose it was meant to be. I hope I can.

In Search Of Me!

Ravaging through the mind, a thousand gales
Are today filling my heart with agonizing wails
In a moment when everything seems so lost;
I crave again for moments of the wondrous past

Give me back myself, that which was once me!
This present is so unlike all that I dream!
Whenceforth did in the tides of time I lose
The meandering paths of doom did I choose!!

For on this path, there is not a soul to befriend
Just an eerie silence and darkness with no end.
The journey I set out upon, this was not to be
Yet here I am, walking the miles, searching for me!

Doubts plague the mind, questioning my being
And challenge to show the proof of my living!
Dead am I within? A funeral there was none.
Why is it then, a silent mourning there begun?!

A deafening cry rises, from within the deep
Give me back myself, I am mine to keep!
Haunting echoes of my sorrow plague the valleys
Tears and sighs, sleepless nights form my allies.

Its a battle upfront that I fight within,
Pitched against myself - How shall I win?
A void it is, that surrounds me today!
Everything hopeful and bright keeping at bay.

Never have I lost, nor shall I now
lay down my arms and drop my bow.
Today shall I set alight the flame,
Scorch the foe and end the game!

From the ashes of me, A phoenix I shall rise,
Resplendant glory burning all I despise.
The future I shall quote and so be it noted,
This battle shall be won and epics devoted!

The enemy is within and there shall he die
Some wars are fought alone - this is not a lie.
The pawns are moving, the board has been set!
In the quest of life, there is myself to beget!

-Praveen

Idle musings - 2

So often, I think what would've happened if things were to be different than they are now! Especially when it comes to specifics and details, I always get this urge to see the things in a different angle than they are! What if I hadn't come to America? What if I hadn't joined Kannadaaudio.com? What if I hadn't come to Wichita? What if I wasn't born at all.. and sometimes looking into the future, What if I was dead!

I am aware of the fact that it is impossible to change the past and many times the things that we wish wouldn't have happened. And yet there they are, staring at us in all stark nakedness! I look at them and wonder as to their purpose of being. Sometimes the mind seems to fathom them and sometimes they are lost in the wilderness of the future. Why at all do I concern myself with them? Life probably would have been a lot easier to live if we could just shut ourselves to the memories. Yes, we would lose a lot of the good ones but then be spared of the bitter ones too! Yet, that is not the case, for human mind seems to harbor them for some reason! At the end of the day all that matters is what we do in the time that is vested with us. The aftermaths of the past shall linger on to the future, but it is a future that we can still control. It is rather astonishing the way, the past, the present and the future are blended. Infact, I see them as manifestations of the same TIME!

I have looked back in life and sometimes wondered at the people who came in and the people whose lives I entered. They touched me and I theirs. There is something deeper that seems to run, from one life to another that brings us in contact with eachother. It's a pull as I see it. A draw of a new learning that somehow seems important for us in the lifetime that we live. The people we come in contact with are there to teach us something! Probably that is why we keep meeting a certain category of people.. something that seems to tell me that I am yet to learn it. In this learning, I realize the purpose of my being. In this learning, I realize the purpose of their presence. In this learning, I realize the meaning of life.

Had a rather long day! Long, not because of its duration, but more because of all that was done! Somehow my day seems to start at 6 in the morning, and winds all the way up till 2 AM in the middle of the night. Am I burning my energy off..? I dunno! Am I a workaholic? Could be! Somehow, there seems to be so much to accomplish, and there is so less time vested for me! There are days when I just want to stop everything. I want to just sit and watch a bird hop on the trees, squirrels run around, see a flower bloom.... simple things, unhurried, and magical! One day... just one of these days! This was the thought that crossed my mind, today morning while going to the school for my job when I watched a flock of geese fly by!

I do this everytime I leave for my job! The way to the school where I work is peckered with houses, cute little ones built of red bricks.. yellow stones and what not, with nice little porches in front of them. Some of 'em still have the kitched lights turned on, and I wonder; "What would life be behind those walls? What tensions and what concerns would they have! How would they start their day?What would they talk at their dinner table in the night, and at breakfast in the morning?" And for some unknown reason, I smile. I am amidst humans, who like me, have their worries and concerns. That is what I like about this! I am in touch with the human nature inside me. Amen to that.

Why do we let some people influence us so much? Some people can make us happy more than we ever felt like, and at the same time remove the very life from our very being? It is as if, our whole vitality has gone and vested itself in the other person! Wasn't man meant to be self-reliant? If so, this isn't that! I am confused, bewildered and totally besides myself. It is one thing to tell others to be self-reliant, and not let -ve things influence, but somehow when it comes to the self, everything collapses and we are back to the same track!

Relationships, friendships are meant to be enriching. If one is getting bogged down by them, getting out of sync with these things, then something is missing somewhere isn't it? What is it? I dunno, I am lost! God! plz help me. I know I am not perfect, that I do mistakes. But please don't give up on me.

Give me the strength to bear my Lord! I am getting exhausted with all this. Give me your grace to be kind and understanding of others as also myself. To love others and myself! Please God! help me.

Sad!

I donno why! Feeling rather sad today. Am angry with myself. Don't feel like really writing anything. Am I just being used by people?!! Shit! Gives me a feeling of being a chewing gum.. something for everyone to chew and spit out later after the flavor is gone.
Am I to be blamed.. or is it that the world just waits for victims to pounce upon and rub their dirty feets on. Am really not feeling secure anymore being good! I don't want to hate the world... but I am afraid I am beginning to.

Idle musings!!

Had been out for a walk! Rather cold wind, froze my nose red! It is so tough to keep your mind calm, and not let it think about anything. I tried a lot, the wind raging outside was no match to the one inside. I like going around the campus of my University. There are calm and peaceful spots that I have marked and visit them quite often. Inspite of the cold wind, I did enjoy going back to those familiar spots. My mind has conversed a lot with the plants, the trees and the flowers over there; silent statues that give you company, the squirrels who have so much taken a liking to me, that they now share the peanuts off my own hands.

There is something that has to be said about going on walks alone. I'm not a loner, mind u - can be a party rocker any day. But when it is solitude that one is seeking, there is no better companion than one self. Today was one of those moments. The new moon was pretty. I liked it. The slight arch, was showing blood red today - rare and a beautiful sight. I took a long walk, trying to feel the nature around me.

The flowers have started to bloom. I held a couple of 'em in my hand.. tender petals that seemed to be softly smiling... like a half asleep child being rocked in the warmth of its mother's bosom. Spring is setting its foot. There is something so refreshing about spring... its probably the beginning of life. A new beginning heralded by the wondrous colorful and decorated nature. Its a celebration of life, and I wanna be a part of it.

Priorities

We all have priorities in life. Things that we need to do most importantly of the several other deeds we spend our time upon. The question is, do we do that? I really wonder how many of us would give a sincere reply to that. If at all we do, I think a majority of the answer wouldn't be affirmative. So then, why is it that man doesn't prioritize his needs and deeds. If you observe, there is a direct relationship between our needs and deeds. If we prioritize our needs, that will guide our actions.
So logically if our needs are misplaced, I think, there is no way one can clearly see the priorities of life. As a student, at this stage, my need is to get good grades to ensure a good job when I graduate. So I must obviously prioritize my studies above the rest. But then, isn't it rather painful to follow the rules and regulations? The mind rebels at the thought of regulations. The travails of studies, the colorless days of working on assignments and projects somehow seem to be less important to the more pleasureable ways of dispensing the time we have in idle activites of mind, rationalizing that under the pretext of "All work and no play" stuffs. I am not bringing into consideration the issue of legitimate hobbies that we indulge in to take a break amidst the more mundane works. But, I am more concerned when the priorities are interchanged.
So what makes one to change them? Is it because, by nature, we are more attracted towards anything that involves less work on our part or one that is less taxing? Man's inherent tendency is to reap the maximum benefits by putting in the minimum amount of work. Probably this is the other face of the coin.
Then shall we call being responsible, all about being able to prioritize the needs effectively and acting accordingly? If it is so, how responsible am I?

Such is the human nature!!!

Man is probably the most complex of all the beings. Not just anatomically but psychologically, philosophically and what not. What is it that makes him so complex? Is it the plethora of thoughts that run in his mind? Is it the pattern of those thoughts, that are just so undiscernable even by the most sophisticated machines? After all, all this sophistication was also a result of that brain-power!
How often I have marvelled at the thought process. Why do we think all that we think? And what influences our thoughts? Rather, how are we so influenced by our thoughts? What exactly are these thoughts, that are so powerful that they can actually destroy or develop their own originators! These questions have still remained unanswered, questions that often sway along in the idle mind, that indulges itself in such musings.
So, they say, society influences the mind, upbringing, environment influences the mind, the company one keeps, and these days, even food seems to influence our thought process. So much for man calling himself independent eh?
Whatever it is, the whole thought process of the man seems to be bordering on the perilious frames of self-destruction. What more, in his mindless dance, he is not even realizing that the evil he is brewing for his fellows will consume him too!
Friends are not really friends, lovers not the true loved ones, hypocrism galore .... amidst this chaos, I am searching for the solitude and peacefulness of the heavenly bliss of love! Will I find it? Can I make others see it? I just want to shoot these questions out, and let them drift off in the space. Another new addition, to the mass of such void questions waiting eternally for an answer.

The perils of Change

Today I was listening to the song "karunaalu baa belake", and was also reminded of the original english poem "Lead Kindly light" by Newman. What followed was a series of thoughts that meandered about thinking about this whole process of change.Although, it is obvious that the hall mark of the song was certainly not this change. The song is more of a prayer. Nevertheless, it springs forth from this change. The author repents for getting lost and is again asking for the guidance, begging the light (GOD), to not mind his slight waywardness. Well, least of all, I am not intending to write a treatise on this. But what I am wondering is the perils of change. Change signifies the movement from a state of equilibrium to that of activity, restlessness, and chaos or even viceversa. The turbulence is more rampant in the former, as I see it or rather as I am experiencing it.

Why is change so hard to put up with? Is it something in the very nature of everything, to fight or resist the shift? Why is man always clobbered with the issues of morals? change probably wudn't have been such a bad phenomenon after all, if it didn't have the strings of morality attached to it. Especially when u r stuck with the choice of choosing between a well settled ill to an off throwing virtue. There is the fear, that broods the heart and eclipses the virtues that it wants to breed.

Words like determination, will power, etc. all seem so hollow. How can man ever fight himself? It takes discipline, and one has to just give in to it. But its always the first step that's so painful. Its more tougher than asking a total stranger out for the first time. Why is it so? Am i really searching for an answer? I am not quite sure. But for the moment, I just want to throw this question into the void; the vaccum in the space, and just let it adrift, off my mind.

My first blog!!!

Hmm... rather interesting. Isn't it? It is like that odd feeling one probably gets, when going out on the first date! To kiss or not to kiss goodnite. This is my first blog, and yet, am quite clueless about what I want to write here! Well things apart, lemme get to the basics, ahem!
Name: Praveen Shivashankar

What am I doing?: Interesting question... and am still clueless about the answer, suffice it to say that I am a Master's Student.

My Interests: Hmm... now that's something, where shall I start? Drawing, Painting, Reading, Writing (Poems, Stories, essays), Philosophy, Psychology, Spritualism, Dance, Classical and light music, Astronomy, Quantum mechanics, Vedic mathematics, and so on.

Well, things did warm up a bit eh? Good! Let's hope this doesn't end up becoming one of those numerous one night stands I have had in terms of blogging and writing in my journal and the like.